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The Roots of the Garden
*Trigger Warning Sexual Abuse* I did the work and my garden is a reflection of that
Being rape when I was younger played a major lifestyle shift in how I thought about myself, how I show up as (hiding my true thoughts, feelings and emotions) myself and what I thought being myself was. That trauma diminished and led to a suppression of my identity, my voice and my purpose. It affected how I allowed men to treat me, use me, abandon me, disrespect and take advantage of me. Not just men, but how I show up in my career, family/friends and community. With men and honestly everybody I would invent a version of myself that fit in with who they are. That stem from the little girl who was taken advantage of and not feeling safe enough to tell or get help or even say anything! I could remember silencing my scream, being afraid to get up off of him to pee with the fear of more abuse and uprooting it with cause with it being a member of the family. I started to live my life of avoidance, shame, fear, voiceless and allow others to define it for me. My worth was based upon others' values of me. I avoided sex and committed relationships as I grew older. I became extremely hyper sexual and would always repent, chilee Jesus knew my heart. Somewhere around the line in high school I was pressure to ignite my womanhood as my choice, Unconsciously I felt like maybe I could use sex as a way to feel safe, seen, heard or value. Wrong. After that I been in search for love for self in sex, relationships and it had me in a merry go round of hella toxic, abuse, unwanted, unhealthy relationships. I realize most of my relationships were build on my trauma response to sexual abuse. Even after that I could recall a few situations in my adult life where I silence my screams, discomfort, voice and surrender to what I thought wasn’t okay. After I went through a whole healing process shout-out to my introspective coach Tash I changed how I look at relationships with myself and others. Through her healing coaching program I learned I always have a choice. I learned that what I needed to know was who I am and not let the trauma of sexual abuse define me. I needed to become aware of myself, love myself and strengthen my worth & value of myself. I needed to feel safe, comfortable and use my voice in all situations. That’s when I began to purpose God's version of me on a deeper level. He was always with me. I just needed to legit break up with my fears and revolutionize my life, shout to my homegirl Sarah Jakes Roberts. Once I understood the roots, I began to replant my garden. That garden required me to let go and let God and to understand what that meant for me. I decided with intentions to let go of waste relationships and abstain from sex. Shout out to me for making it pass a year in July. I decided to invest in my mind, body, soul and spirit on a daily basis. That garden birth who I was, am and becoming which is now a representation of my Self Care Lifestyle business. I use that as my source to become and continue to live as me, thrive as me and be as me okayyyyyy. I’m the happiest, highest and healthiest I have ever been in life. I did the work and my garden is a reflection of that. I love it here.
Cadedra Burks
The Roots of the Garden
Evaluation Sunday Blog
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